For some, getting ready for Halloween is like preparing for a photo shoot on the cover of Vanity Fair. Many people plan their costumes out months in advance, scouring the world looking for just the perfect pair of black cat ears to complete their totally original kitty-cat ensemble. People get so wrapped up in their Halloween costumes that many have been blind to a huge injustice that has been occurring right under our noses!
I hate to inform you, but sadly the “treat” in trick-or-treat has died my friends. When my kid brother came back after a long night of trick-or-treating and showed me the “goodies” he had “scored” in his beat up little pillow case, I basically lost all faith in humanity. So, here’s a list on top three worst excuses for Halloween treats.
1. Miscellaneous Hard Candies: This has made both the Huffington Post and Buzzfeeds “Top Worst Halloween Treats”. Unless you’re my grandma I don’t want those butterscotch sucking candies that have been sitting in that antique candy jar in your living room for twenty-five going on twenty-six years. Just to make sure we’re clear this includes a variety of those foreign-looking-sucking-candies. So, those cough drops and peppermints that you have sitting at the bottom of your purse count for this category too. Throw them out don’t pawn them off to small children
2. Boxes of Sun-Maid Raisins: Undoubtedly, I’m sure that everyone reading this has gotten the irresistible urge for something sweet from time to time. However, I wonder how many people ran to their cabinets and whipped out a big box of Sun-Maid Raisins to satisfy that sweet craving. If you’re having trouble reading this over the crickets I’ll make this simple, the answer is… no one. Kids want your chocolate not the crumby old raisins you were initially planning on using in your Waldorf Salad.
3. Pennies: Though all equally pitiful excuses for treats, this one particularly resonates with me as the worst. Apparently this is a thing; I thought my neighborhood was just strange. The Huffington Post actually wrote a whole article revolving around “the women who give out pennies on Halloween.” I can relate to this on a personal level. In my neighborhood there was this cranky, bald, fat guy who received a special kind of pleasure throwing pennies at children from his second-story-window. I digress, the point is giving out the pennies in your car change slot you save for the tolls is not charity. Kids can’t even go buy some candy with the whooping seventeen cents you just gave out as your Halloween “treat”. So do the children a favor, and save yourself from some ridicule, if you just have to be that guy who throws money at kids for Halloween instead of coins make them Washingtons at the very least.
Hopefully this guide helps you to stop being that guy during Halloween, and if you read this and simply say, “you know I’ve got too many pennies in my pocket and I’m getting rid of them regardless of what you say,” all I can say is that’s why there’s a thing called Mischief Night so best start preparing. The kids will give you a year’s head start.