By Gabriella Bottoni
If you’re a hairy girl living in the western world, you’ve felt the distance between you and the bronze Venus goddesses gyrating across the television, hairless and glowing. As droplets from the most exotic oceans bead down their silky, baby-ass legs, you notice that the areas you’ve just attacked with a Lady-Bic have already prickled. If your next thought is, “So long, birth control boobs!” then you’re in for a surprise. These guidelines will help you embrace your fuzz and realize that you don’t need to be as smooth as those sexy illusions in order to get it on and find love.
1. DON’T waste money!
Whether it’s your legs, arms, uni-brow, lady-stache or bush, your options are: shave, wax, bleach or “Nair.” But the damn hair just keeps growing back – and fast! Supplies aren’t cheap, either. So if you can’t bear the thought of hair on your limbs/face, then let your carpets, drapes, and furry area rugs grow, and put all that cash toward something useful like an education or “The Complete Elvis Presley Masters Collection Box Set” (I don’t know your life).
2. DO be healthy!
Whatever the trends are dictating about hair down there (aka your center for hairiness) – f**k it. When Morgan Freeman created humanity, he was like, “I think I’ll put some hair down there so it’s harder to get the herp.” What a guy. It’s scientifically proven (with science!) that being bald eagle can make it easier to get herpes and other things you wouldn’t want sent home to Mom in an Explanation of Benefits letter. So before you decide to hack it all off, consider it a beautiful protective blanket that’s helping you fight the good fight, and remember: herpes just isn’t in right now.
3. DO accept yourself!
The more embarrassed you feel in your birthday burka, the more likely you are to end up where people with low self-esteem usually end up – in my newsfeed, abusing Zuckerberg’s unnecessary “What’s on your mind?” and transforming Facebook into Sadbook (Does he know what he’s done?). But let’s get back to your bod. If you want sexual attention but don’t really want to dress like a hooker, then simply don’t dress like a hooker. Or do, if that’s just what you like (no shame over here, Julia Roberts). All I’m saying is: a) you should be just as comfortable in your clothes as I want you to be when you’re out of them; and b) I’m unfriending you on Facebook, Karen.*
*Name has been changed.
4. DO find someone who appreciates your stuff!
In the adult world, there are men* out there who are at peace with the female body. Some might say that they are even attracted to it. So maybe take a European for a spin. They’re hairy, you’re hairy. It works. Or let Twitter’s funny man/bear, Rob Delaney, give you a different perspective. He recently told Conan, “I like women who have hair on their bodies…I try to mount a little campaign…about like Cosmopolitan telling women ‘shave off the hair, melt it off!’ I’m like no, keep it and I’ll swing by.”
*I feel like I’ve been talking to the hetero-girl because it’s men who “generally” have the issue with shit like body hair. But of course, this article is for you too, girls who like girls.
5. DON’T give a f**k!
Whether your next move after reading this article is to keep it au naturale or to schedule another appointment for a terribly awkward bikini wax, make sure that you’re doing it because you want to, because you like yourself that way. It all boils down to confidence, ladies. Don’t give a f**k what anyone thinks about it and that, in itself, is your smoothest asset.